If Your Lost Your Relationship Will Be TOO

Monday, November 11, 2019

The right relationship is wonderful. Finding someone who complements your quirkiness and makes you a stronger and happier individual is beautiful.  Real love IS powerful, but  it starts with loving yourself first.  This sounds cliche, but in the new world of filters, it's getting harder to love the "real you" 

   Social media is doing a wonderful job at telling us who we should be, what we should look and act like.  If you don't have a strong sense of self,  it's all too easy to get warped into the illusion that changing your identity, then dating someone equally as attractive will lead to love.  

Dating apps are set up for physical attractions frequently leading to meaningless one night stands. With a swipe of a finger, your biggest void  can be filled for a night or two.  If you're lucky, a few months.   Too many people are unknowingly getting comfortable with meaningless one night stands or settling  into something toxic to show off to their friends.  And lets not forget the pressure if you hit 30.  According to society,   a woman in her 30s has absolutely no chance of finding real love. When in fact, that is a completely fear based perspective. The average age to have a kid is now 35  and study after study  shows that marrying in our 30s decreases the chance of divorce and marriages end up healthier and happier. It makes sense. By our 30s, we  are better communicators and educated mentally, physically and spiritually.   We have a stronger understanding of what love requires. Settling because you just hit thirty is ridiculous. Love doesn't have an age requirement and it sure as hell isn't a photoshoot for your friends. Love is a commitment to become two stronger individuals that will make your lives and the lives around you better. Love itself is a teacher of many valuable lessons: patience, kindness, unselfishness, confidence. Corinthians 13:4-13 Love never has been and never will be a way to fill a void. This cycle is very dangerous and rarely has a happy ending.  
Being single is not something to be embarrassed about. It is a prerequisite to having a strong, loving, and supporting relationship with another individual.
When there isn't a sense of self, the other person becomes more of a therapist than a partner.  They have to validate you over and over about who they think you are, because you really aren't sure yourself.  It is selfish and exhausting.  

You need to show up for yourself first. Prove you can make it alone.  Love yourself completely. Know the good, the bad, the ugly, and most importantly the beautiful.  Doing this will protect you from jumping into a  codependent relationship  and hey, if a relationship does fail, you know you'll be okay. 

Signs That You Still Need To Work On Yourself 
❤ You are insecure and need consistent validation on how attractive you are.
❤ You are afraid of doing anything alone. 
❤ You feel that a relationship is the only way you'll be happy. 
❤  You find the person you're dating more of a time constraint than partner. 
❤ You become an uncontrollable emotional wreck after break ups. 
Growth Requires Discomfort.  

It will take a lot of introspective work, but I don’t know about you, a little work to become a  well- rounded partner of value sounds worth it. I would much rather my partner know what they're getting into beforehand and to have the reassuring thought that they chose the authentic me. The good, bad, ugly, messy, beautiful me.  That itself sounds like a happily ever after.  

Successful Single Woman by Choice. 

 If  you should discover that marriage isn't for you and loving yourself is enough. That's okay too. There are many successful single women you can look up to as role models. Some of the greats of yesterday and today are:

Coco Chanel

"My life didn’t please me, so I created my life."
 Coco is  one of the most iconic  women who understood the toxicity of being in an unloving relationship. She chose to stay single and built a fashion empire.  She was an incredibly strong-willed woman who was fiercely independent. 

Marianne Williamson

"Nothing binds you except your thoughts; nothing limits you except your fear; and nothing controls you except your beliefs."
While having a background as a self-help teacher since the 90s and Oprah Winfreys spiritual advisor, Marianne has been single for most of her life.  Marianne has developed a strong sense of who she is and the importance of "un-settling" that has allowed her to help millions of people with their own development. 

Jane Austen

"We all have a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be."
The de facto founder of chick lit, Jane Austen never married, yet she wrote profoundly moving romance novels. The story, ‘First Impressions’ would eventually become one of the most beloved novels of many women, Pride and Prejudice.
 She is one of the most studied authors still today. 

Remember all of this when you are feeling anxious about being single. Allow it to be an incredible opportunity for growth. 

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

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